You have got to be kidding me!

This is the latest craze to be sweeping the nation, where clubbers get issued with wireless headphones and can switch between multiple DJs, if you don’t like the music you can move on.

Won’t that make you groove out of sync with those around you? You can imagine the shouts of “WHO ARE YOU LISTENING TO?”

Plus you spend hours doing your hair and then you have to put one of those things on your barnet.

It raises another point too … how are you supposed to pull?!

Alina Percea, the 18 year old girl who auctioned her virginity on the internet has stated that she sealed the deal by having sex with the 45-year-old winner. The mystery stranger bid £8,782 and flew her to a Venice hotel.

She said she needed the cash to study computing at university and stated: “He seemed much younger. He was very funny and charming. He didn’t have a beer belly.

No beer belly? What a relief that must have been for you, dear. Glad you did not mention the size of his wanger, I am eating my lunch.

“We got on very well. He didn’t say if he was married or had a family, and I didn’t ask him.”

Alina, who underwent two medical examinations to prove she was a virgin, admitted: “I felt a bit nervous.” But she said of her first sexual experience: “I liked it.”

The teenager from Caracal, Romania, insisted: “It’s not like prostitution because it was a one-off — and I did this for good reasons.”

It IS protitution sweetie, doesn’t matter if you do it once or a thousand times.

Where will you go when you need a deposit for your first house?

History has just been made!

House Of Commons Speaker Michael Martin has told MPs he will stand down, making him the first Commons Speaker to be effectively forced out of office for 300 years.

In a short speech to a packed House of Commons (they daren’t not turn up nowadays) he said he would step down on the 21st of June, with his successor being selected by MPs the next day.

Can I have the job please? ORDER!

So the greedy beggars will be able to elect another greedy beggar to cover their arses. Although I suspect he/she will be not an obvious successor and someone squeaky clean.

Rotund Martin will also quit as an MP, he held Glasgow North East or 30 years and has been Speaker for nine.

I cannot help feeling a little bit sorry for him. Sure, he helped deflect/cover up the expenses issue for his chums, but that is his job.

Ok, so an update/conclusion to the story I wrote in March.

Poor Alfie Patton, the young lad splashed and ridiculed in the tabloids for supposedly fathering a baby with local Eastbourne girl Chantelle Steadman (can you always blame the parents?) is NOT the father of her unfortunate offspring.

His father had the good sense to insist on a DNA test, her parents agreed and the results have just been published after a judge ruled it.

The poor lad is said to be distraught, seems he had become attached to the child and was going to take his role as parent seriously.

I really hope this has drawn a line under the whole sorry incident. The Sun no doubt enjoyed their increased circulation, but if the story means that kids “strap it up before they whack it up” then it all has been worthwhile.

NOT!

UPDATE:
He just gave his speech and, as expected the other MPs queued up to give him a good verbal kicking. Along the lines of “I take responsibility in my part but wouldn’t it be prudent for you to take early retirement!”

Deflection techniques at their best. Retirement? The size of his pension could be enormous.

I know all you readers from overseas are DYING to know the latest on the MP’s expenses scandal!

Michael Martin, the rather rotund Speaker of the House of Commons (a bit like an umpire) is to make a statement to MPs at 1530 BST, amid growing calls for him to quit over his handling of the expenses furore.

He stands accused of covering up for his greedy chums. Plus he has been found to be as, if not more greedy than many of the other politicians.

Pompous Martin has been told to stand down by Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg while MPs from all parties have signed a motion of no confidence in him. I guess he now knows who he can count on in a fight!

Also today Ester Rantzen says she may throw her hat in the ring and stand in the next election against her local MP in Luton. The TV presenter (and consumer crusader / face of Childline) said she is sick of the MPs expenses scandal and may stand for Parliament herself.

She is considering whether to stand in the constituency of Luton South against the Labour MP Margaret Moran who claimed £22,500, according to the Telegraph, for treating DRY ROT.

I hope she does stand, she will kick ass!

Black Eyed Pea’s new single “Boom Boom Pow” shot straight to Number 1 in the UK pop charts yesterday, but Marshall Mathers could only limp up from 7 up to 4.

Here are the Top 1o:
1 Black Eyed Peas – Boom Boom Pow
2 Tinchy Stryder Ft N-dubz – Number 1
3 La Roux – In For The Kill
4 Eminem – We Made You
5 Lily Allen – Not Fair
6 Lady Gaga – Poker Face
7 Ironik/chipmunk/elton John – Tiny Dancer (hold Me Close)
8 Calvin Harris – I’m Not Alone
9 Prodigy – Warrior’s Dance
10 Ciara Ft Justin Timberlake – Love Sex Magic

This despite having a most-watched video on the YouTube front page in two categories and an appearance on Wossy Friday night. Perhaps he should have smiled more … er sorry, at all. Or maybe it was that hat.

Congrats also to Green Day for being number 1 in the album charts.